Once again, in church, God hit me.  (I am so in the right church, by the way.  Thank you, Lord, for that!)  And it wasn’t because we sang this song.  After today though, I’m wondering if God would allow me to sing, “I am free to be stupid on occasion,” even though that doesn’t quite fit the beat.  It fits me.

The preacher spoke on healing today, specifically on the healing of the unnamed woman in Luke 13: 10-17.  At first, I sort of half paid attention.  I’m good.  Nothing to be healed of here.  Perfectly fine, thanks.  And then  Pastor Steve focused on the words in verses 11 and 16 that indicate her infirmity was not just physical, it was also spiritual.  And I realized what an ungrateful child I am.  Ungrateful, unwilling to tell the story, unable to live in victory because I’m still looking backwards.

God healed me folks.  On my birthday, in 2001, he healed what had been pure suffering.  Just like that, it was over.  I had begged, prayed, pleaded, cried, shouted, raged, and screamed at God for nine long years.  And in His absolute perfect timing, He reached out His hand and delivered me.  It’s a feeling that goes beyond description.  What did he take from me?  Abject terror.  Fear so crippling that for several months in 1992 I refused to walk out my front door.  And when I did, it was medication that got me there, even though the fear always lurked inside me.  Unless you’ve suffered panic attacks, you can’t imagine.  I know, because in high school, we watched an interview with a woman who suffered that way.  I rolled my eyes and thought, “Geez, lady.  Just buck up and open the stupid front door.”  I never knew I’d be the one battling  in just a few short months.  If you’ve never had a panic attack, imagine hiding in a dark closet while person with a knife twists the door knob.  It’s that kind of fear response but for no reason whatsoever.

Today, God reminded me that I have been healed.  I am free.  That fear has no power over me anymore.  The problem is, when I was living in fear, I had this need to control everything.  To plan ahead and know all the answers and  make sure I knew all of my “outs.”  And even though God healed me, I’ve still allowed my brain to spin that way.  There’s no fear behind it, but there is a definite lack of surrender.    Today, I gave that up.  God’s got the power, and I am free to go out and be the person who he called me to be, standing upright and walking in faith.  Thank you, Jesus!

-JB